03.01
So I was chatting with a friend of mine, and he was really upset about this guy he was interested in. It seems that they had a really good synergy online, and clicked well on the first date. They discussed continuing the dating logic, but after moving a bit fast (sleeping together), there was a drop of conversation. They crossed paths again 3 weeks later, and the guy was dating someone. This really bothered my friend, and led to a conversation about what *I* think makes this happen. Well, I didn’t have specifics, because I couldn’t dive into the mind of this guy – but I did have my opinions on what makes ‘dating’ succeed.
With that introduction, I thought I would illustrate what I imagine the typical recipe for a lasting relationship.
I guess I will list off a few points, and hopefully after you read the recipe, it will make sense.
1. Dating sites never work. Not on their own.
2. You could chat with someone for 10 years using digital means (IM/Yahoo/Chat/Txt/Voice) and it means nothing until the first real face to face interaction.
3. Sex matters.
4. Any personality traits you dislike in yourself will be magnified if you lie about them.
5. Humans are shallow and superficial. At least, to the outsider. In reality, it’s because physical attraction is hard-wired, no matter what the ‘enlightened perspective’.
Ok, so, that may sound harsh or unfair, but here’s the deal. There are 5 things that everyone looks at. You have every right to disagree with me on this, but I think that if you really dig deep, you will see these factors in every relationship, in every personality, everywhere. If you don’t see them, there is either some level of dilution, or there has been conditioning that allows it to be ‘overlooked.’
Here they are:
1. Intellect. You like to think that if a person matches your ‘acceptable’ minimums for intelligence, humor, etc., that it will be enough to make a relationship work. How many times have you said or heard this:
‘I’m looking for someone who’s smart and can make me laugh.’ or
‘I want to find someone who is up to my level. Who I can talk to about things in common’
‘I don’t want someone who hasn’t learned about life. Mature, but logical.’
I would say that this portion is only 10% of the overall package, because somewhere in the back of your head you have been realizing that people change as you grow with them. The way they talk, the way they respond to you, all of it will melt together until it fits. As long as the minimum standards are there, it will work out. When you talk online, those facets never fit together completely, because there is too much room to ‘re-phrase’ before it’s out there for opinions to be formed.
2. Physical attraction/looks. There is a reason we don’t wear blue with pink polka dots. There is a reason we aren’t all married to the first guy who made us laugh. Regardless of your intellect, there is a hormonal component to humans that alters the chemicals in our brains; they create a natural attraction to the beauty of tone physique. I am not a doctor, so I can’t tell you what it is exactly, but I know this: Everyone may be wired to like certain types, but there is also the basic, primal, instinctual feelings that attract us to the ‘perfect’ human form. A tight butt, nice abs, perky breasts, smooth face, muscle tone – all of it matters, at a basic level. What your personality does with that information is what gives each person a ‘type’. If you can get a 100% honest answer out of anyone, they will tell you 3 things: When they were a child, they had a crush on the prettiest boy or girl in class; As they grew up, they were more attracted to the 18-25 year old models than they care to admit; now as an adult, they may say that they are attracted to, oh, ‘husky men, 35-40, with distinguished features and 5 o’clock shadow’, but that doesn’t mean they don’t fantasize about the 22 year old neighbor boy who mows the lawn with his shirt off. What does all of this mean? It means that your brain will compromise with the the hormones to fine the absolute minimum levels of ‘attraction’ and that becomes your base ‘type’. If you don’t fit that, a relationship will fail, or need to be ‘opened’.
3. Personality. No brainer on this one. If you don’t mesh personalities, it won’t go very far. That’s friendship building 101.
4. Sexual Chemistry. It’s 2010. People have sex without any significant bond. It has become almost a requirement to determine the sexual compatibility of partners. I don’t know how much different it may be to a straight couple, so I will stick to the gay side of things. There are a few things that will cause a clash of compatibility. Think of it as yin and yang. There needs to be a happy medium in the area of dominance/submission, top/bottom, as well as a general shared likes/dislikes of certain activities. Some people may have fetishes they require for sexual compatibility, while others require a level of restraint to make them feel that their partner is on the same page with them. Basically, if you are compatible sexually, then they will do the stuff you like, and will not like the stuff you think is weird/gross, and vice/versa.
5. Tolerance to Idiosyncrasies. This one is fairly straightforward as well. As with any relationship; family, friends, co-workers – you have to have a level of compromise and tolerance to the various quirks your future partner may have. This could be a simple matter of overlooking when he leaves the lights on, or it could fall into a more difficult task of conditioning a compromised behavior. Regardless of the option, it would need to be a tolerable change or adaptation by both parties.
Mixing all five of these ‘ingredients’ is a necessary factor in a relationship. If one of the items is ’spoiled’ or has not developed properly, then the end product is sure to ‘burn’. In the case of my friend as explained above, they had intellect and physical attraction going for them, but there was something that went wrong when they hit the personality or, more likely, sexual compatibility. All ingredients being equal, they had a 20% chance of it working.
Again, this is just my opinion taken from years of relationship trial and error; I welcome anyone to provide a challenge, comment, or addendum to make this more complete. In fact, I would love someone to prove me wrong, or present an example that shows this to be true!
But we’ll be back in town for the festivities.
